If you’re anything like me, you are probably a people pleaser (at least to some degree). You want to be able to say yes to everything, and help out wherever we can. In doing this, you often forget to help the most important person you know – yourself.
I’m not sure when it happened, but it feels like we’ve transitioned into a “must say yes” society. We’ve gotten to the point where we feel bad when we say NO to something. We feel like we have to have a good reason to say No. That a simple NO isn’t good enough.
What is that about?!? When did we all learn that accommodating others and putting everyone else’s needs before ours was the “right” way to live? Now, I’m all for being a caring, respectful, helpful person, and I’m sure you are too. But we shouldn’t be made to feel badly about any decision we make, even if others don’t agree with it.
My thoughts on apologizing
Let’s get something out of the way – You don’t have to apologize for any decisions you make in life. There, I said it. Feel better? Probably not – but you will.
Think about it for a minute. We feel the need to say sorry any time we make a decision that we think someone else might not agree with. “I’m sorry I won’t be able to organize the bake sale this year.” “Oh, I can’t make it to dinner on Thursday, I’m too busy, I’m sorry.” “I wish I could help you with that project – I’m sorry I won’t have time.” Are you really sorry, or just trying to be polite?
We need to realize that we have own responsibilities and our own reasons for making certain decisions. That’s not something you need to feel badly about. We have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. It’s important that we realize that our value is not a reflection of how many times we say yes. We shouldn’t have to apologize for our decisions and actions, as long as we’re coming from a place of respect for ourselves and others.
I’m here to tell you that it is COMPLETELY OK to say NO, or to make a decision, and NOT apologize for it. Need proof? Here are 3 reasons why it’s not necessary to apologize.
1. People will not like you any less
Just because you choose to say NO to something doesn’t mean your friends and family are going to write you off. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to get fired at work. It doesn’t mean that your child will hate you forever because they didn’t get the new toy they wanted. The people in your life are not associating with you based purely on what you can provide for them (even your employer). If you’re respectful about your decisions, no one is going to feel slighted.
When I made the decision to leave my day job and work from home, I clearly and honestly explained my reasons to my employer (without apologizing). His response to me was, “Well, I can’t say that I agree with you leaving, but I do understand, and if you feel that is what’s best for you, then I support that.”
There was no guilt, no argument, the world didn’t end. When you are honest about your decisions and the reasons behind them, even if people don’t agree, they can more easily understand and respect where you’re coming from.
2. It shows that you are confident in your decisions
It’s important to show authority and confidence in your decision-making. When you add an apology at the end of a sentence, it lessens the strength of your decision. It leaves the door open for people to try and persuade you. You’re almost saying, “Oh, I would, but…” You’re giving the opportunity for someone to find a reason for you to change your mind.
Anyone with children knows exactly what this is like. Kids can smell weakness. Your decisions have to be firm. Mom’s the boss. I try and remind my children of this frequently. When I do, it’s usually met with my two year old looking at me, putting her hand on her chest, and saying firmly, “Luna boss.” Nice try kid.
The fact is, you don’t have to feel guilty for the decisions you make. Period. You are the one in charge of your life. If you decide that something is important to you, or it isn’t, you don’t have to apologize for it. Take a lesson from Phoebe, and be confident in your decision.
3. There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first
You are an adult. Honestly, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You’ve made it this far in life, and you get to call the shots. Have you ever heard the phrase, “When you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else?” Make sure the “something else” isn’t you. If you don’t want to go to dinner because you want to watch Netflix on the couch and order take-out – don’t go! If you don’t want to sit through a play date with a mother you’d never be friends with otherwise – skip it! You need to put your mental well-being at the top of your priority list.
I hope this gives you a little insight on owning your decisions and not apologizing for them. The next time someone asks something of you that is not in line with what you want to do, or need to do, politely tell them NO, and keep it moving. Don’t add sorry to the end of it. You have nothing to be sorry for. Remember that.
