Raise your hand if you consider yourself to be a “people pleaser.” (Raises hand and looks around). Yep – I knew I wasn’t the only one. For a long time, I thought this was a noble trait to have. I thought I was totally killing it. Everyone around me knew that they could count on me and people came to me for help. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how bad it had gotten, and why I needed to put an end to it immediately.
When I found out I was a liar
I’ve always been someone that has put a big emphasis on how my actions make others feel. It’s been a priority of mine to do what I can for others and make sure everyone is taken care of. (Otherwise known as a people pleaser). I think, as a woman, I’ve been conditioned to be a people pleaser. Having children only amplified that. I’m constantly doing everything that everyone else needs and putting others needs before my own. Not just for them, with everyone.
Last week I was reading an email I had received from a life coach I follow. There was a sentence in that email that made me stop immediately. I re-read it about 3 more times to let it really sink in. After reading it, my first thought was, “Damn! She’s totally right!!” Here’s what she said:
“People-pleasing is lying to yourself in order to manipulate others into liking you or not being mad at you.”
Simone Grace Seol
I’ve been so busy doing all of the things that I thought would make other people happy so that they wouldn’t be disappointed with me. By doing this, I haven’t done some noble deed. I’ve been lying to myself, and to other people.
The problem with being a people pleaser
The truth of the matter is that being a people pleaser isn’t a good thing for anyone. You may not even be realizing the huge effect that it has on your life. If you can relate to any of this, you’re in good company. There are so many people that have fallen into this pattern of behavior. If you’re realizing this might be you, I’m about to help you out and tell you why you need to stop people pleasing NOW.
1. It sets unrealistic expectations
When you’re constantly saying yes to every request that’s asked of you, that is what people are always going to expect. If you’re always killing yourself behind the scenes to deliver the expected results, that will very quickly become your new norm. Do what you can to the best of your ability. If taking on extra tasks will completely overwhelm you, it’s very much OK to politely say no.
2. Doesn’t help to set boundaries
No one else is going to look out for you. You have to do that for yourself. This is how you avoid feeling resentful towards other people. If you always say yes, they’re going to keep asking. You need to preserve your sanity and set firm boundaries in place so that others know what to expect, which will eliminate the possibility of letting someone else down.
3. You are the one that suffers
Do you think that the people at work, or at your kids school is thinking about the fact that you have to stay up until one in the morning to finish what you said you could do? Not a chance! If you agree to something, others assume it won’t be an issue for you and won’t give it a second thought. You, on the other hand, are the one suffering the consequences of trying to be Miss Helpful. Ever hear the term “No good deed goes unpunished?” Pretty sure that applies here.
4. It is dishonest
Being a people pleaser is actually lying. You are presenting a version of yourself that isn’t entirely true. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there is a part of you that wants to help, but if you were really being honest, there’s also probably a huge part of you that wants to tell people to shove it somewhere around the 4th favor of the week. It is perfectly OK to say no to something while maintaining your integrity.
5. You are not responsible for how others feel about you
Byron Katie says that there are three types of business in the world: Your business, Their business, and God’s business. (God can be the universe, whatever spiritual being you believe in, etc). Your business is what you have control over. Their business is other people’s business, and God’s business is anything else that people have no control over. The only thing you have to worry about is Your business. That’s it. You can’t control how others feel about you, so you might as well stop worrying about it.
The difference between people pleasing and compromise
Once I really started thinking about it, I realized that my people pleasing has gotten me into some less than ideal situations. It’s how I got stuck with a client that I couldn’t stand working with. It’s how I’ve accepted less money than I knew I deserved virtually my whole life. Neither of these things are something I’m proud of.
Let’s be clear, people pleasing and compromise are not the same thing. Neither are people pleasing and empathy. You can still make compromises and care for others, while standing up for and respecting yourself. This is the part I’m working on. It’s been hard to realize that my worth is not measured by the amount of things I can do for others.
Saying ‘no’ to people pleasing and ‘yes’ to yourself
This is something that I’m just learning to do. My husband has been a big encouragement when it comes to me standing up for what I want, and what I’m willing to tolerate. I will probably always struggle with people pleasing, but at least now I’m making a conscious effort to set boundaries and be realistic with what I am able to accomplish.
If for no other reason, the preservation of your sanity and well-being are reason enough as to why you need to stop people pleasing. Focus on Your business, be honest about what you can and cannot do, and if you’re confident in the decisions you make and how you handle them, others will be too. Saying ‘no’ to someone doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone to be respected. And that’s someone we should all be.
