After a loss, pregnancy is not the same

Pregnancy is such an emotional roller coaster. There are so many unknowns, so many questions, so many fears. That’s true of any pregnancy, even the successful ones. Once you’ve struggled with pregnancy, though, all of that taken to a whole other level. After experiencing pregnancy loss, when you do become pregnant again, it’s hard to fully enjoy the experience. There is always the thought of fear, no matter how small, in the back of your mind. It’s a feeling you can’t really describe, and others will never understand unless they’ve lived it themselves.

Third time – the charm or the strikeout?

I lost two babies before I became pregnant with my oldest daughter (who is now 3 and a half). I remember taking that pregnancy test. It was Mother’s Day, 2015. When I checked the test, and it said positive, my first thought was “Here we go again.” Great attitude to start out a pregnancy, huh? My second thought, though, was, “Ok, maybe this is a sign. It IS Mother’s Day. That has to mean something.” I told my husband and we braced ourselves for what in our minds was sure to come.

I had decided that I wasn’t going to share the news with anyone else until I was sure that things were going well. One morning, I had just pulled into the parking lot at work when my best friend called me. We generally don’t talk early in the mornings, so I was surprised to see her name come up on my screen. I answered jokingly, “Well, to what do I owe this pleasure?” Her response? “I’m pregnant.”

She had just taken the test that morning and her husband was out of town on a fishing trip. We chatted for a bit, and then I finally got up the courage to say something. I said, “Well, since we’re talking about this, I should probably tell you that I’m pregnant, too.” She yelled out in excitement, “Oh my gosh! I’m so happy!” Then she said, “Maybe it didn’t work out before because we were supposed to be pregnant at the same time, and you were just waiting for me.” I was hoping she was right.

My hesitation to share

We started the series of appointments for the third time. When we had our twelve week ultrasound & check-up and received a good report, we were happy, but a bit uneasy. We had never made it this far with good news before, and this was uncharted territory. At 14 weeks, I finally decided to tell my mother. She was genuinely thrilled. She knew what we had gone through with the prior two pregnancies, but she had never experienced anything like we did first hand. It was hard for her to understand when we told her we didn’t want to announce it to the world yet.

Over the next several weeks, each time we spoke she asked when we were going to start telling everyone that we were pregnant. This was going to be her first grandchild, and she couldn’t wait to share the news. Each time, I would have to tell her, “Not yet. We’re not ready.” Reluctantly she would reply, “Ok. Are you sure you want to wait? I think you’re safe now. You should let everyone know!”

Finally, I had to explain to her why we had chosen to wait. I said, “Mom, I know you’re excited, but this is my pregnancy, not yours. You don’t know what it’s like to go through what we went through. At this point, I’m more scared than I am excited, and I’m not really interested in anyone else knowing. Let me do this when I’m ready.” I think that kind of drove my point home, and being the wonderful mother she is, she said she understood and gave me my space.

Sharing in my own time

It wasn’t until I was 19 weeks along that I started sharing the news with everyone. My husband and I had planned a trip up to Michigan to see my family and friends, and there was no hiding it at this point. Of course, everybody was so excited, and I was a little relieved to not have to keep the secret anymore, but the fear was still there.

As sad as it was, we had gotten used to receiving bad news, so that was something that was in the back of my mind constantly. My doctor had even told us after we lost our second baby that he was so sorry that we’d had such extremely bad luck. After going through the two losses, I felt like I could never fully enjoy the experience of being pregnant. All I was focusing on was just trying to make it to the next milestone. The next ultrasound to hear the heartbeat. The next clear report from the doctor. I felt like I could never fully relax and celebrate my pregnancy, even though I wished I could.

A tainted, but powerful experience

That’s the thing. Once you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, you’re almost robbed of the joy of pregnancy. You don’t get to surrender to the process, and spend your time picking out baby clothes, or a crib, or the baby’s first stuffed animal. You don’t have the luxury of worrying about all of the small stuff. You spend most of your time trying to redirect your thoughts of fear to positive ones.

It’s hard to explain to those who haven’t had to worry about these things before. People may think, “But you’re ok now. You don’t need to worry anymore.” You want to believe them, but you’re not able to. It almost makes me angry that I didn’t let go of the fear a little bit more, and try to enjoy the fact that I was pregnant with a healthy baby.

My rainbow baby will be 4 in January, and I still remember exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with her. The fear, the anxiety, the love. If you’re struggling to let go of the fear after a pregnancy loss, I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can say or do that will take that fear away. I know, because many people tried with me, and nothing seemed to make a difference. The only thing you can do is believe, and take it one day at a time.

To view related posts on the topic of pregnancy loss, you can check out “The reality of pregnancy loss,” where I share my personal story on this topic, and “The one thing you need after pregnancy loss,” which highlights what is the most important thing you’ll need to keep going after experiencing a loss. If you need anyone to reach out to, I’m here.