To all the married woman without children, I want you to know I see you. I know the kinds of questions that you get, and the prying that people do out of curiosity and excitement. I know how annoying it is, or how frustrating it is to battle those questions every single day. Just so you know, you’re in a safe place with me because I will never ask you any of those questions. It’s not because I DON’T care, it’s because I do. The reason I’m not going to ask is because I was you. I lived it, and I know exactly how each little comment or question is a tiny reminder of the baby you don’t have.
This morning I went into my three year old’s room to wake her up. She was sleeping so peacefully, so I climbed into bed with her. I laid there for a few minutes just watching her sleep. Watching her little chest move up and down, feeling so content, and thinking how lucky I was that she was mine. It got me thinking, though, of all the women who weren’t waking their babies up this morning. Who don’t yet have the chance to climb into bed with them and cuddle. It got me thinking back to a time when I didn’t know when or if this would be my reality.
My Back-Story
My husband and I got married in 2012, and we hadn’t been married for six months before everyone started in with the questions. When are you going to have babies? Are you guys trying? When are you going to get pregnant? How long are you planning to wait to have kids? And on, and on, and on. Anyone that has any experience with pregnancy knows you can only plan so much. It’s not like you wake up one day and decide, “OK, today I’m going to get pregnant,” and then poof! Magic.
My only response to all of the questions and curiosity was, “No, not yet. We’re going to wait a little while.” Trying to deflect all of these questions was tough. We didn’t want to have a baby right away, and people didn’t seem to understand why we would want to do that. People largely assume there is a general order to things, and when someone isn’t following it closely enough, they get questioned – pretty regularly.
My Experience with Pregnancy
So, about two years later, we decided we were ready to try to have a baby. Luckily for us, it only took a few months for me to get pregnant. We went to the doctor for the first ultrasound, and were obviously very excited. When the ultrasound tech asked me three times to confirm the date of my last period, I knew something was up. We met with the doctor, and he told us that the baby had stopped growing. At this point we hadn’t told anyone. My husband and I were the only ones that knew. We were eight weeks in.
Strike 1
After a few months we tried again, and I got pregnant again pretty quickly. This time we made it to our 12 week appointment and everything had been right on track up until this point. However, after our ultrasound and meeting with the doctor, we were told that we would need to go see a specialist because some of the ultrasound pictures didn’t seem quite right. A week later we met with the specialist, and after a series of tests we found out that this baby was not going to make it either.
Strike 2
After having gone through this twice, we were pretty hesitant to move forward and especially hesitant to tell anyone about it. We’re pretty private people, so very few people even knew that this was something that we were dealing with. Once I had gotten pregnant a third time and made it to the 12 week appointment and everything seemed to be going well, we even waited a few more weeks before we told people just to be safe.
Everyone that we told was so excited for us and very happy. There was one response, though, that I’ll never forget. It was the reaction of my father-in-law. When we told him that we were having a baby (four years after we had gotten married) his response was “Finally!” Now I know he was saying this out of love because he was so excited and wanted us to have a baby right away, but my initial response was one of defense. “Yeah, finally for us too.” In that moment, it almost felt like we were doing something wrong, but once I thought about it, his response was one of excitement. He didn’t know what we had gone through, so how was I to expect anything different?
Everyone has a story
That’s the thing, often times, people don’t know what you’re going through. They don’t know what it’s like to sit there and have a doctor look at you and tell you this isn’t the baby you’re meant to have. People care. That’s why they ask. They’re excited and want good things for you. And I do too. But I’ll never ask. You never know what could trigger a person, and my intention is never to hurt anyone’s feelings. Pregnancy is a very personal and sensitive topic for a lot of people. They could be going through a similar struggle at that time, or something even worse that I had gone through.
If and when any of my friends or family share the news that they are having a baby, I’ll share their excitement. I’m on board 100%. But until then, you won’t hear anything from me. No prying, no questions, just understanding and respect of privacy.
You’re not alone
My experience with pregnancy is different than a lot of other women, but also, very much the same as many others. If you’re reading this and you’ve ever been in a similar situation, please know, you’re not alone. I’m here for you, and I’m here with you. Even if we don’t know each other, if you feel like you need someone to talk to that would understand, please feel free to reach out to me – I mean that. I’m happy to listen and offer support whenever I can.
To view related posts on the topic of pregnancy loss, you can check out “The reality of pregnancy loss,” where I share my personal story on this topic, and “The one thing you need after pregnancy loss,” which highlights what is the most important thing you’ll need to keep going after experiencing a loss. If you need anyone to reach out to, I’m here.
xo
